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April 2006 Archives

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And Quit Being Big Babies

April 21, 2006     link     category: Office Space    

It is called a HELPdesk.

Where we provide HELP.

So when you sign your tickets with the whinge "please help!", as if we might or might not you know, depending on our mood render assistance unless you beg a rly lot then you are being both insulting and irritating.

Just so you know.

Der Bibliochaise

April 20, 2006     link     category: Teh Cool  Yet Unattainable    

Forwarded to us just today by someone purporting to be our *friend* this lovely sets our hearts to pitter-pattering, despite it's hideously inappropriate shade of orangey-red:

Click through to the manufacturer's site at your peril, it features some truly spectacular mystery navigation, making items as difficult to find as binarily possible. One would think they were not interested in actually selling their Seat du Books.

Link credit: Gizmodo

Needless Things

April 14, 2006     link     category: Teh NOT Cool     comments: 1

While we are all in favor of case mods, per se, this case from Maingear, shaped like a alliteration alert! particularly priapic pyramid, does nothing but give us vaguely uncomfortable ideas about investing in the nearest multi-level marketing scheme.

Available in your choice of Cypress Green, Inferno Red, Speed Yellow, et al., this is definitely the case for those who have that recurring dream of wearing Sun God robes and thousands of naked women throwing little pickles.

Link credit: Engadget

S_p + I + C_y

April 13, 2006     link     category: Teh Cool  Yet Unattainable    

We rly rly wish this site was bi-lingual or even tri- quad- quint-lingual!, as these salt/pepper shakers are almost too cool to be tolerated:

So, while we're sorry for posting a link to something cool yet unattainable because OF COURSE we can't freaking find it anywhere else we needed to share our pain.

mv moron.client /usr/local/hell

April 11, 2006     link     category: Office Space    

Dear Co-Dependent Whinger:

The fact that you are too impaired to manage the very simple aspects of your control panel used to be a source of amusement to us. MILD amusement, but amusement nonetheless. And in the tech support world, we takes whats we can gets.

But lately you've begun to grate on our nerves.

You open every ticket using the most hysterical tone possible. And vastly over-utilizing your exclamation and question mark keys, we might add. You claim things that are unpossible. We could prove your liar-ness had we the impetus to search through gigs of server logs, but it's simpler to just solve your stupid little issue and get you off the helpdesk.

You also whinge that we should have anticipated your needs and met them without your intervention. How this is possible is quite beyond us, perhaps you think we left our telepathy abilities in our other pants. You, like every other hostee, have to use your widdle pitters to type out your request. Sorry, Poppet, that's the way it is.

To all this, we reply, "we're sorry."

We're very, very sorry that your last host was as equally co-dependent as you are, and apparently took positive delight in holding your metaphorical, since you're female pecker. We're just not that kind of hoor. And we certainly don't need your six bucks a month quite that badly.

We're also very sorry that we can't drive to your house and fsckstomp you personally. But that's an issue for our analyst.

Love,
Factoids

Putting the Cock Back in Cocktail

April 10, 2006     link     category: Stare     comments: 1

We regrettably do not recall where we first saw this, but we think that's probably a good thing, as the amount of scorn we intend to heap on the following item can cause third degree burns if there's any spillover.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you get when far too many ad execs stay up far too late doing far too much blow:

This is DIAKA Vodka. Vodka from Poland. Vodka that apparenly has crystals aka. "diamonds" fused into the bottle.

Sadly, we must quote the press release:

The new company's first product launch through its TransBorder Spirits USA subsidiary will be vodka imported from Poland which utilizes an industry first patented diamond filtration process. The process utilizes nearly one hundred diamonds of up to one carat in size, and results in a Vodka with unsurpassed clarity and smoothness

Now, we don't know about you people, but last we heard the act of "filtration" consisted of passing one thing through another, the end result of said action being the removal of impurities. What we'd like to ask these bright boys, is how exactly they believe they've managed to get their hooch through one of the hardest substances in the world. Aren't they just instead creating an illusion of exclusivity by claiming this dubious process seriously, try moving water through glass some time to dress up some low-rent Polish snort, and trying to pass it off as the Thing To Buy When You've Already Bought Everything Plus Liberia?

Yes, we think they are, as further evidenced by this sorry additional quote:

The Vodka lover continues to demonstrate a willingness to pay for quality. DIAKA(TM) reflects a lifestyle shared by the cognoscenti of style, entertainment and the arts. It is truly Fashion You Can Drink(TM).

Yep, faaar too much blow.

Meeting Minutes

April 06, 2006     link     category: Stare    

Dear World,

We here are Factoids would like to make some requests. And feel free to interpret the word "requests" as "demands." We also have some comments. Feel free to interpret those as "demands" as well.

1. Stop calling your computer a "puter". You are not seven and that is not cute.
2. Our cable internet service must never, ever again lunch itself. AOL dial-up is a hell reserved for those who abandon kittens.
3. cPanel must get it's head out of it's collective ass. There are other server management options out there, you know.
4. You, the person who sends in a new order when all you really want to do is upgrade...stop adding extra work to our day, you're pissing us off.
5. Replying to your pending ticket with the word "bump", is likely to get our boots "bumped" up against your ass. Today, Pumpkin, is not the day for such shenanigans.

And now, the comments:

1. If you foray to our abode at our request in order to present us with a quote for your services, being as insulting as humanly possible is not the very bestest way to persuade us to view your proposal with anything resembling favor. In other words, yes, you great steaming pile of knowitallness, you do indeed see rosemary, thyme and basil there among the herb pots. If you don't know what they look like in the first place, why in the name of little green tree frogs, would you say you don't see them sitting there? Here's a tip, Poppet...your condescending attitude just lost you the job. And I shall be certain to inform everyone to avoid your place of employ, whenever they should enquire as to the actual do-er of said work. Who is not you. </Mojo Jojo>
2. If you, as an insultingly skinny mother of three, are going to muscle your way into the position of Team Mom for a Little League team, then you bloody well had better call every one of the parents when they are due to schlep their children 15 miles down the road from the site of the usual activities, to the alternate field. Your condescending attitude towards every other parent on the team has made YOU the pariah, not the other way around, Princess.

And now, a bonus observation:

Why is it that words that begin with the letter P are so deuced useful during the snark process?

And now, back to your regularly scheduled tense silence.

Recipes - Cajun Eggs

April 02, 2006     link     category: Fooood     comments: 4

This is a freeform recipe, which means vary the ingredients in the proportions most pleasing to your palate.

2 or 3 large eggs (depending on how hungry you are)
2 oz milk
One half red bell pepper, seeded and chopped in 1" pieces
One large slice of white onion, similarly chopped
One 1" thick slab of Velveeta cheese (yes, it has to be Velveeta)
Crystal hot sauce to taste (yes, it has to be Crystal hot sauce)
Pepper to taste

Crack the eggs into a small bowl and whisk together with the milk. Start your favorite saute pan on med-high heat, melt a dab of butter, then add the egg mixture. The little bit of milk is to give the eggs some fluff. Do NOT do this if you're making omelettes SIN!, but it can be quite spiffy in scrambled eggs.

I usually wait a bit to add the onions and the red bell pepper because I like them a bit al dente, so add the cheese first...chunk it with your fingers and toss it in for faster melting. If you're a fastidious nit, slicing it in chunks with your favorite knife is also acceptable...but seriously prissy.

Once the egg starts to think about becoming an omel meaning a solid mass starts to form under the runny bits, start hacking that thing up with your spatula and add in the onion and bell pepper. Once the cheese gets all melty, toss in your Crystal hot sauce to taste. I like some fire and twang so I usually take it up to a medium-loud shade of orange.

After everything is delightfully combined, scrape it all into a bowl, grind in fresh black pepper to your liking thanks to the Velveeta salt will be superfluous, and serve up with a mildly sweet toast or even tortilla chips. as you like.

Now do heed the notes above that yes, it has to be Velveeta, and yes, it has to be Crystal hot sauce. Trust us, we have tried this with cheddar, we have tried this with wing sauce we have NOT tried this with green bell peppers, and never will since they are pure evil from the 8th dimension, so don't bloody well ask us, and the only way it comes out nummy is as described above.

Be vewwy, vewwy careful with the Velveeta though...there is SO such as thing as too much cheese. *shudder*