Where we provide HELP.

So when you sign your tickets with the whinge "please help!", as if we might or might not you know, depending on our mood render assistance unless you beg a rly lot then you are being both insulting and irritating.

Just so you know.

per se

case

Available in your choice of Cypress Green, Inferno Red, Speed Yellow, et al., this is definitely the case for those who have that recurring dream of wearing Sun God robes and thousands of naked women throwing little pickles.

Link credit: Engadget

The fact that you are too impaired to manage the very simple aspects of your control panel used to be a source of amusement to us. MILD amusement, but amusement nonetheless. And in the tech support world, we takes whats we can gets.

But lately you've begun to grate on our nerves.

You open every ticket using the most hysterical tone possible. And vastly over-utilizing your exclamation and question mark keys, we might add. You claim things that are unpossible. We could prove your liar-ness had we the impetus to search through gigs of server logs, but it's simpler to just solve your stupid little issue and get you off the helpdesk.

You also whinge that we should have anticipated your needs and met them without your intervention. How this is possible is quite beyond us, perhaps you think we left our telepathy abilities in our other pants. You, like every other hostee, have to use your widdle pitters to type out your request. Sorry, Poppet, that's the way it is.

To all this, we reply, "we're sorry."

We're very, very sorry that your last host was as equally co-dependent as you are, and apparently took positive delight in holding your metaphorical, since you're female pecker. We're just not that kind of hoor. And we certainly don't need your six bucks a month quite that badly.

We're also very sorry that we can't drive to your house and fsckstomp you personally. But that's an issue for our analyst.

Love,
Factoids

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you get when far too many ad execs stay up far too late doing far too much blow:

This is DIAKA Vodka. Vodka from Poland. Vodka that apparenly has crystals aka. "diamonds" fused into the bottle.

Sadly, we must quote the press release:

The new company's first product launch through its TransBorder Spirits USA subsidiary will be vodka imported from Poland which utilizes an industry first patented diamond filtration process. The process utilizes nearly one hundred diamonds of up to one carat in size, and results in a Vodka with unsurpassed clarity and smoothness

Now, we don't know about you people, but last we heard the act of "filtration" consisted of passing one thing through another, the end result of said action being the removal of impurities. What we'd like to ask these bright boys, is how exactly they believe they've managed to get their hooch through one of the hardest substances in the world. Aren't they just instead creating an illusion of exclusivity by claiming this dubious process seriously, try moving water through glass some time to dress up some low-rent Polish snort, and trying to pass it off as the Thing To Buy When You've Already Bought Everything Plus Liberia?

Yes, we think they are, as further evidenced by this sorry additional quote:

The Vodka lover continues to demonstrate a willingness to pay for quality. DIAKA(TM) reflects a lifestyle shared by the cognoscenti of style, entertainment and the arts. It is truly Fashion You Can Drink(TM).

Yep, faaar too much blow.

We here are Factoids would like to make some requests. And feel free to interpret the word "requests" as "demands." We also have some comments. Feel free to interpret those as "demands" as well.

1. Stop calling your computer a "puter". You are not seven and that is not cute.
2. Our cable internet service must never, ever again lunch itself. AOL dial-up is a hell reserved for those who abandon kittens.
3. cPanel must get it's head out of it's collective ass. There are other server management options out there, you know.
4. You, the person who sends in a new order when all you really want to do is upgrade...stop adding extra work to our day, you're pissing us off.
5. Replying to your pending ticket with the word "bump", is likely to get our boots "bumped" up against your ass. Today, Pumpkin, is not the day for such shenanigans.

And now, the comments:

1. If you foray to our abode at our request in order to present us with a quote for your services, being as insulting as humanly possible is not the very bestest way to persuade us to view your proposal with anything resembling favor. In other words, yes, you great steaming pile of knowitallness, you do indeed see rosemary, thyme and basil there among the herb pots. If you don't know what they look like in the first place, why in the name of little green tree frogs, would you say you don't see them sitting there? Here's a tip, Poppet...your condescending attitude just lost you the job. And I shall be certain to inform everyone to avoid your place of employ, whenever they should enquire as to the actual do-er of said work. Who is not you. </Mojo Jojo>
2. If you, as an insultingly skinny mother of three, are going to muscle your way into the position of Team Mom for a Little League team, then you bloody well had better call every one of the parents when they are due to schlep their children 15 miles down the road from the site of the usual activities, to the alternate field. Your condescending attitude towards every other parent on the team has made YOU the pariah, not the other way around, Princess.

And now, a bonus observation:

Why is it that words that begin with the letter P are so deuced useful during the snark process?

And now, back to your regularly scheduled tense silence.

2 or 3 large eggs (depending on how hungry you are)
2 oz milk
One half red bell pepper, seeded and chopped in 1" pieces
One large slice of white onion, similarly chopped
One 1" thick slab of Velveeta cheese (yes, it has to be Velveeta)
Crystal hot sauce to taste (yes, it has to be Crystal hot sauce)
Pepper to taste

Crack the eggs into a small bowl and whisk together with the milk. Start your favorite saute pan on med-high heat, melt a dab of butter, then add the egg mixture. The little bit of milk is to give the eggs some fluff. Do NOT do this if you're making omelettes SIN!, but it can be quite spiffy in scrambled eggs.

I usually wait a bit to add the onions and the red bell pepper because I like them a bit al dente, so add the cheese first...chunk it with your fingers and toss it in for faster melting. If you're a fastidious nit, slicing it in chunks with your favorite knife is also acceptable...but seriously prissy.

Once the egg starts to think about becoming an omel meaning a solid mass starts to form under the runny bits, start hacking that thing up with your spatula and add in the onion and bell pepper. Once the cheese gets all melty, toss in your Crystal hot sauce to taste. I like some fire and twang so I usually take it up to a medium-loud shade of orange.

After everything is delightfully combined, scrape it all into a bowl, grind in fresh black pepper to your liking thanks to the Velveeta salt will be superfluous, and serve up with a mildly sweet toast or even tortilla chips. as you like.

Now do heed the notes above that yes, it has to be Velveeta, and yes, it has to be Crystal hot sauce. Trust us, we have tried this with cheddar, we have tried this with wing sauce we have NOT tried this with green bell peppers, and never will since they are pure evil from the 8th dimension, so don't bloody well ask us, and the only way it comes out nummy is as described above.

Be vewwy, vewwy careful with the Velveeta though...there is SO such as thing as too much cheese. *shudder*

Anyway, we're currently digging J!nx and manfully attempting to refrain from purchasing one of everything. Some of our faves:

Because, yes, pirates are way cooler. Also in a tshirt.

We'd like ours to say "now" instead of "please", however. Totally wearing this to the childrens' next Family "Fun" Night. If ever an elementary school needed a big cup of STFU, it's that one. *chaos*

More l33t goodness:

Social Engineering Specialist Because there is no patch for human stupidity - Truer words never spoken.

Dog Shirt 0wn3ed - Oh the humiligration!

Baby Creeper Hello world! - It's only a matter of time before the little winkies are coding in the womb. "Junior, you rewrote mommy's dna again, put it baaaack."

FPS Poster Frag the weak, hurdle the dead - Sure, you'd have to be 13 to actually want to display this on your wall, but still, great sentiment.

You're similarly devoid of intelligence, in that the design you rip happens to belong to the company that actually hosts your own website. This one boggles us, we freely admit. Seriously thought we wouldn't notice?

When called on your perfidy, you lurch about, insisting as plagiarists so often do that you only nicked it because it was "pretty", as if that were some sort of compliment-type thing instead of outright thievery.

You sign your pathetic whinge with "sorry for your troubles". Our troubles? Oh no, poppet, fail to remove the plagiarized graphics/layout or it will very much become YOUR troubles. Sod about with the legally registered identity of a company and that's what happens.

Leaving aside completely that the new helpdesk system contains a very prominent link to the Knowledgebase, just as the old did... No, poppet, when you're using something as simple and user-friendly END-user-friendly, anyway as cPanel to manage your account, we can't believe you have to ask such an easy question either. Because that large MAIL MANAGER link in your control panel wasn't a dead giveaway. And the Manage/ADD/Remove Accounts link was a little too vague.

Deck LED backlit keyboard

We bought one. Spending more than we've ever spent before on a piece of hardware that didn't actually make our computer go faster. We happily readjusted our typing style to account for it's very tightly packed, and somewhat rearranged keyboard. We loved the quiet snick of the keys. And that the LED had it's own "screensaver" and shut down when not in use.

Then the son-of-parents-who-were-not-married spacebar broke.

Oh, it didn't break all at once, no. First the spacebar simply refused to accept input unless hit multiple times. So, naturally, we took the key off to see if anything was stuck thereunder. There wasn't, but the tiny and fragile wire and plastic widget that is the means by which the key attaches frightened us. We carefully reattached it and decided to just deal with the irritation of having to multiple-strike for spaces since the keyboard was so &*^#%*@ expensive.

A day later we ordered the Saitek Eclipse to replace it:

Ugly, noisy, bulky...yet sturdy. And still backlit. Yay.

<press blurb> A number of tattoo artists were brought on board to create the look of the new line; tattooist Dave Rhoades designed the collection of men's moccasin loafers pictured here. Rhoades' designs are actually hand etched into the leather and the shoes are then burnished with oils and tattoo inks to embellish the art. </press blurb>

However, the designer's nightmare of a Flash website pissed us off so badly that we leave it to you, our fine Factoid-ees, to find them on your own. We hear Fred Segal might carry them, but, let's face it...if they're just now figuring out that they need an ecom presence, they might not be your best choice.

Via Needled