Office Space Archives
Hallowed be thy partition
July 18, 2006 link
category: Office Space
We wonder what it says about us that when we go to type "oh god" we type "oh dos" instead...
And Quit Being Big Babies
April 21, 2006 link category: Office Space
It is called a HELPdesk.
Where we provide HELP.
So when you sign your tickets with the whinge "please help!", as if we might or might not you know, depending on our mood render assistance unless you beg a rly lot then you are being both insulting and irritating.
Just so you know.
mv moron.client /usr/local/hell
April 11, 2006 link category: Office Space
Dear Co-Dependent Whinger:
The fact that you are too impaired to manage the very simple aspects of your control panel used to be a source of amusement to us. MILD amusement, but amusement nonetheless. And in the tech support world, we takes whats we can gets.
But lately you've begun to grate on our nerves.
You open every ticket using the most hysterical tone possible. And vastly over-utilizing your exclamation and question mark keys, we might add. You claim things that are unpossible. We could prove your liar-ness had we the impetus to search through gigs of server logs, but it's simpler to just solve your stupid little issue and get you off the helpdesk.
You also whinge that we should have anticipated your needs and met them without your intervention. How this is possible is quite beyond us, perhaps you think we left our telepathy abilities in our other pants. You, like every other hostee, have to use your widdle pitters to type out your request. Sorry, Poppet, that's the way it is.
To all this, we reply, "we're sorry."
We're very, very sorry that your last host was as equally co-dependent as you are, and apparently took positive delight in holding your metaphorical, since you're female pecker. We're just not that kind of hoor. And we certainly don't need your six bucks a month quite that badly.
We're also very sorry that we can't drive to your house and fsckstomp you personally. But that's an issue for our analyst.
Love,
Factoids
Just Write a Frickin' Letter Instead
March 16, 2006 link category: Office Space
How do I set up email accounts. I haven't been on your site in many months but your new help system is awful compared to what you used to offer. I can't believe I have to ask for such an easy question.
Leaving aside completely that the new helpdesk system contains a very prominent link to the Knowledgebase, just as the old did... No, poppet, when you're using something as simple and user-friendly END-user-friendly, anyway as cPanel to manage your account, we can't believe you have to ask such an easy question either. Because that large MAIL MANAGER link in your control panel wasn't a dead giveaway. And the Manage/ADD/Remove Accounts link was a little too vague.
Zzzzap!
December 01, 2005 link category: Office Space
Customer: Where's my account?
Tech Support: Well, you didn't pay the invoices, there were four past due. So we suspended it for four weeks...you totally failed to notice...then we terminated it.
Customer: WHAT?!?! Did I lose all my content? I had a script installed there that cost me a lot of money, does this mean I lost the whole thing?!?!?
Tech Support: Er, you didn't pay your invoices. For four months. Your money is sacrosanct but ours is gleaned from old Monopoly games? I'm sorry, sir, but the business world doesn't quite work that way. Have a nice day.
How we long for our TCP/IP based EMP.
Foto of the day: ladybug
Think before you type
November 15, 2005 link category: Office Space
Resellers continue to be the bane of our existence. Observe this comment accompanying a new order today:
I supported one of my customers hosted by you so hope to receive continued good service.
Now, perhaps we're just grumpy today, but that really is simply insulting. The level of service you are provided does not depend on anything at all except these two facts; A) we know that customer service from hosting companies is a rare and precious thing, and B) we kind of want to stay in business.
Email, despite it's ease of use well, for SOME and quick delivery, is really the worst sort of communication tool. Nuance and tone-of-voice are completely lost, turning what might have been a completely innocent sort-of compliment into a whingy bleat that pierces our left frontal lobe with a white hot splinter of indignation.
Ruby Doobie Doo
November 11, 2005 link category: Office Space
Dear Linux,
If it is a required dependency, why are you asking if we'd like to install it? If we do not, wouldn't that be oh, I dunno BAD?
Love,
Factoids
Le sigh
November 09, 2005 link category: Office Space
Customer: I paid my domain registration invoice almost two months after it was generated, yet it hasn't been renewed in the five days since I paid it. I demand a credit on my account for those five days.
Tech Support: (does math) No problem, sir, a credit of 98 cents has been added to your account.
Morans
November 08, 2005 link category: Office Space
Dear Resellers,
We hate you.
Love,
Factoids
News Flash
November 04, 2005 link category: Office Space
Every single server on the face of the planet has, at times, issues. And here's a little secret for you...they are almost always caused by the users on that server. Either through stupidity or ignorance or a particularly pathetic combination of both one user with a vestigial knowledge of perl, php, mysql, you name it, can bring a dual xeon hyperthreaded box the Mack truck of servers to it's cyber knees.
Were it not for the bloody users, we'd all be happy happy admins.
So, knowing the above, we really find it quite insulting not to mention irritating like that last DiCaprio movie that you the culpable users say things like, "You guys are great but this repeated trouble is causing me to worry". Worry, my dear banana? One of the longest running and most stable hosting companies on record, and you say this "third time in a month or so" is causing you worry? Out. Of. The. Boat.
Just READ It, Would You?
November 01, 2005 link category: Office Space
comments: 4
Is the email account created? Well, we don't know idiot, DID YOU CREATE IT?
The control panel it not difficult to use, it has options like MAIL MANAGER and even MANAGE/ADD/REMOVE ACCOUNTS. The presence of those tells us something...it tells us that we might just might be able to manage, or add, or remove an email account should we click on that link.
And thanks for leaping directly to the conclusion that you are limited somehow in the amount of customer service you are allowed each month. A truly mind-boggling assumption on your part. We are wholly in favor of such a motion, truth be told, as some of you have more issues than a West Virginia commune.
It's not me, it's you
November 01, 2005 link category: Office Space
comments: 2
"It would help if you included the domain name in these emails as I have several domains hosted by your company."
Pay attention to the HEY, STUPID, YOUR CREDIT CARD HAS EXPIRED notices and you won't even receive such emails, eh? There's no off button on the genius switch.
Reading Comprehension
October 31, 2005 link category: Office Space
"I got confused reading your signup email..."
Well, that's *exactly* what we like to hear from nascent resellers, for sure. If something as simple as that confuses you, poppet, then we think the vagaries of navigating your reseller interface are definitely going to be more than you can handle.
Reselling internet hosting is not the way to riches and glory...well, except for the actual host...and you people who treat it like a multi-level-marketing scheme get right up our left nostril.
15 Pieces of Flair
October 28, 2005 link category: Office Space
comments: 2
We are a Linux admin these days, solving problems for those too stupid to plug in a computer, much less run a website. In our time, we've encountered some truly mind-boggling idiocy. We could be charitable, say that the clueless simply are ignorant, instead of stupid and malicious in that stupidity but we'd be big stinky liars.
Some clues, for the sans-clue:
- You're not receiving your precious email because you're out of disk space. Did we sneak in at night and secretly add files to your account? Yes, because we clearly have little better to do. No, stupid, you didn't empty your email box, did you, therefore the lack of disk space is indeed your fault. We're not sure why you're taking being told this so very personally, though...
- Your domain expired almost two months ago. We told you to hurry up and renew before it went into the evil redemption period, and cost you another 150 clams to renew, yet you still waited five more days to pay the invoice, then chose a payment method that required a clearing period with your bank. This is our fault how, exactly?
We are more than glad to answer questions. Getting the morans to actually ask them is another storybook.
