Stare Archives

Back on the Air. Maybe.

April 25, 2010    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

Hmm...nearly 4 years since the last post. You can't bleeding well tell us we're not the Universal Emperor of Procrastination, now can you?

You can't, don't even try.

Factoiding Along

September 11, 2006    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

Only now over at Faster Than The World. Look for us Sunday evenings, and we shall, in turn, look for you.

Putting the Cock Back in Cocktail

April 10, 2006    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

We regrettably do not recall where we first saw this, but we think that's probably a good thing, as the amount of scorn we intend to heap on the following item can cause third degree burns if there's any spillover.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you get when far too many ad execs stay up far too late doing far too much blow:


This is DIAKA Vodka. Vodka from Poland. Vodka that apparenly has crystals aka. "diamonds" fused into the bottle.

Sadly, we must quote the press release:

The new company's first product launch through its TransBorder Spirits USA subsidiary will be vodka imported from Poland which utilizes an industry first patented diamond filtration process. The process utilizes nearly one hundred diamonds of up to one carat in size, and results in a Vodka with unsurpassed clarity and smoothness

Now, we don't know about you people, but last we heard the act of "filtration" consisted of passing one thing through another, the end result of said action being the removal of impurities. What we'd like to ask these bright boys, is how exactly they believe they've managed to get their hooch through one of the hardest substances in the world. Aren't they just instead creating an illusion of exclusivity by claiming this dubious process seriously, try moving water through glass some time to dress up some low-rent Polish snort, and trying to pass it off as the Thing To Buy When You've Already Bought Everything Plus Liberia?

Yes, we think they are, as further evidenced by this sorry additional quote:

The Vodka lover continues to demonstrate a willingness to pay for quality. DIAKA(TM) reflects a lifestyle shared by the cognoscenti of style, entertainment and the arts. It is truly Fashion You Can Drink(TM).

Yep, faaar too much blow.

Meeting Minutes

April 06, 2006    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

Dear World,

We here are Factoids would like to make some requests. And feel free to interpret the word "requests" as "demands." We also have some comments. Feel free to interpret those as "demands" as well.

  1. Stop calling your computer a "puter". You are not seven and that is not cute.
  2. Our cable internet service must never, ever again lunch itself. AOL dial-up is a hell reserved for those who abandon kittens.
  3. cPanel must get it's head out of it's collective ass. There are other server management options out there, you know.
  4. You, the person who sends in a new order when all you really want to do is upgrade...stop adding extra work to our day, you're pissing us off.
  5. Replying to your pending ticket with the word "bump", is likely to get our boots "bumped" up against your ass. Today, Pumpkin, is not the day for such shenanigans.

And now, the comments:

  1. If you foray to our abode at our request in order to present us with a quote for your services, being as insulting as humanly possible is not the very bestest way to persuade us to view your proposal with anything resembling favor. In other words, yes, you great steaming pile of knowitallness, you do indeed see rosemary, thyme and basil there among the herb pots. If you don't know what they look like in the first place, why in the name of little green tree frogs, would you say you don't see them sitting there? Here's a tip, Poppet...your condescending attitude just lost you the job. And I shall be certain to inform everyone to avoid your place of employ, whenever they should enquire as to the actual do-er of said work. Who is not you. </Mojo Jojo>
  2. If you, as an insultingly skinny mother of three, are going to muscle your way into the position of Team Mom for a Little League team, then you bloody well had better call every one of the parents when they are due to schlep their children 15 miles down the road from the site of the usual activities, to the alternate field. Your condescending attitude towards every other parent on the team has made YOU the pariah, not the other way around, Princess.

And now, a bonus observation:

Why is it that words that begin with the letter P are so deuced useful during the snark process?

And now, back to your regularly scheduled tense silence.

Signs you should not be allowed on the internet (part 1)

March 23, 2006    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

You're so devoid of creativity that you decide to rip off the design and layout of another website, despite the posting of clear copyright notices that the unimpaired individual would both read and understand.

You're similarly devoid of intelligence, in that the design you rip happens to belong to the company that actually hosts your own website. This one boggles us, we freely admit. Seriously thought we wouldn't notice?

When called on your perfidy, you lurch about, insisting as plagiarists so often do that you only nicked it because it was "pretty", as if that were some sort of compliment-type thing instead of outright thievery.

You sign your pathetic whinge with "sorry for your troubles". Our troubles? Oh no, poppet, fail to remove the plagiarized graphics/layout or it will very much become YOUR troubles. Sod about with the legally registered identity of a company and that's what happens.

Chef Whinybutt

March 13, 2006    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

We freely admit that we wholeheartedly despise that craptacular creation that is South Park. But when Isaac Hayes quits the show, whinging that "there is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," and "as a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices," we're so delighted by the rebuttal of the loser-boyz who created the thing that we're going to break out the blockquotes:

Though Hayes, a devout Scientologist, made no reference to specific episodes that he felt crossed the line, series creator Matt Stone had little doubt that Hayes' decision was triggered by the November 2005 episode "Trapped in the Closet," which satirized the religion's beliefs and practices and featured "cameos" by animated versions of Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

"This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology," Stone told the Associated Press. "He has no problem--and he's cashed plenty of checks--with our show making fun of Christians."

Wait, there's more...

Past episodes of South Park have skewered Catholics, Jews and Mormons, among others. However, according to Stone, he and Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology.

"He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin," Stone told the Associated Press.

We here at Factoids do not care who you worship, be it Chthulu, Xenu or actual gnus, if you're a hypocrite about it, we're going to point our fingers at you and hoot. Derisively.

Hide the 'shine, maw!

December 15, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 2

What kind of inbred, cheese-brain, paranoid, shoot-the-revenooers kind of North Georgia refugee do you have to be to hop in your pickup truck and chase down the pefectly innocent looking individual taking a picture of the striking oak tree in your front yard. If we were scouting for the tax man would we A) park on the road, B) drive a five-mile orange SUV, and C) use a clearly-visible two foot long camera lens?

If you're going to be paranoid, at least be original about it, lest we become tempted to assume you're a mad stalker, or SUV-jacker, and pop a cap in your posterior.

Spelling Lessons

December 12, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 3

The word is AUTHENTICATE. Therefore you're "waiting for authentication."

The word is not AUTHENTIFICATE. Therefore you are not "waiting for authentification."


December 03, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

Of all the freakish products available out there in the wideworld, Klong is surely the most disturbing thing we've seen in the last, oh say, five minutes.


If it were not actually available for purchase on third party sites see above image link, we'd be certainsure this is nothing more than a really tasteless hoax. Take this "media advertisement" page, for example. On the left, little Elsie Murphy, age 8. She of the Freakishly Large Head and mysteriously missing shoe, exclaims the following about her beloved Klong:

Perhaps it's just us, but we find that whole progression a bit disturbing.

Also quoted is one Rex Roughtrade, age 80. He of the Photoshopped-on beard and curiously hunched shoulders proclaims his Klong-love with the following nuggets:

That's it. This is clearly some sort of psychological experiment being conducted on an unsupecting populace. For the love of god, someone please contact the authorities before we're all assimilated!!111!!11!

Link credit: Strange New Products

Foto of the DayFoto of the day: giraffe

Cult of Accessory

November 29, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

We here at Factoids are increasingly dismayed at the ever-expanding array of CRAP available for the care and feeding of your various portable electronica. The iPod is, of course, the biggest culprit, featuring such head-scratching addons as this thousand dollar massage chair, into which you can lowjack and presumably vegetate until potatoes can be harvested from the gratuitous alliteration alert flab of your flaccid flesh.


If you ask us, he looks a little TOO happy.

And this perplexing little rubber suit into which you can slot your iPod and swallows convulsively play with it.


This is what we've come to? The anthropomorphism of our widgets? Are we truly that bored??

See Exhibit B, a beanbag chair for your wait for it cellphone.


Now, we're all for organization, but a comfy cushy chair for your cellphone? We, ourselves, could count the times our cellphone has complained about it's aching feet on exactly NO hands...

All that said, we heartily congratulate the designers of such absurd devices for their unwavering faith in the gullibility of the average consumer. Well done!

Foto of the DayFoto of the day: sinuous


November 18, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 4

If you're going to run a gossip rag, or any sort of web-based publication, there are really a great many spell-checking options available to you. Some hints, from your friends at Factoids:

Someone doesn't "brake" their neck.

Neither does someone "peak" through someone else's window.

We're fairly sure no one has ever "collaberated".

We can't help but notice you're selling ads on your site. Dast we suggest you might could bump that asking price a wee smidge should you bother to look like you actually give a snot about what you're doing there.

Waste of carbon

November 17, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

Haute couture? This must be some application of the phrase previously unknown to us.

Press a button and some of the diamonds magically change color, illuminating the time in scintillating red diamond digital...

Thank you, we think we'll pass. There's a fine line between avant garde or even the merely interesting and just plain gaudy. This thing takes that line, twists it into a hideously complicated bow, and firmly attaches it to it's ass.

Foto of the DayFoto of the day: fall

Your lovely lady what?

November 13, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

After witnessing the Black Eyed Peas performance at the Euro MTV Awards, we can honestly say they both frighten and confuse us.

Photoshop Beauty

November 10, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 2

This retouching gallery from Conrad Digital features some really spectacular digital editing work...yet is also extraordinarily depressing. Take the first comparative image, for instance... Click the large image to open the popup, then mouseover for before/after. Go on, we'll wait.

Back? Good. Note how in the "before" picture there's a perfectly normal woman, nice clean skin, nose that might have been broken once in a particularly frenetic game of field hockey, neatly plucked eyebrows, etc. and so on. In the "after" picture exists a plasticine simulacrum unseen outside of, well, magazine ads. Her skin is now bronzy and without variation. Her nose is now flat and could have been carved of clay. Her eyebrows and eyelashes have not one single hair out of place. She's gone from living breathing woman to idealized Barbie, and it is just depressing.

Intellectually we realize this is all propaganda, the idealized woman is displayed in an effort to get us to purchase that particular entity's products, so we can look exactly the same. Er, if the alleged example of the product's effectiveness is a Photoshopped wonder and we KNOW this then how in the name of short, fat ponies can we be expected to believe it works?

We can see doing some editing if, for example, the hack photographer has not properly lit the subject, if the background color needs altering, even if the pain in the ass client wants more sodding hair added. But really, what is gained by taking a perfectly good model and UNrealizing her? For part of the population, this will result in those creeping inadequate thoughts. For the rest of us, just an overweening cynicism.

It's simple manipulation, and the entire goal is to increase the bottom line. The problem lies in so many not being able to suss that out, in not realizing that the ideal has been manufactured, that it's neverever found in the wild, and no matter how much scratch is dropped on their products, will neverever be reproduced.

Update: Dear gods, they've moved her entire EYEBALL!!

Ok, this one is just false advertising. The jacket clearly does not lie flat across the stomach as they have indicated here, but rather bunches as LEATHER WITH A BUTTON IN IT is wont to do. Jeez.

Link credit: I Like Cameras

We Fear Change

November 08, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

To the young gentleman at school who opened our car door this morning to let the children out:

Yes, we have suicide doors. Yes, they are unusual. Yes, if you have not seen them before, they can be tricky to open. Yes, you have to close the back one before you can close the front one. NO, IT IS NOT WEIRD, NOR IS IT TO BE SNEERED AT, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH IN YOUR SHORT, SHORT LITTLE LIFE.

Ten years old and already intolerant of new ideas. Your parents must be so very proud.

Too Stupid to Rate a Title

November 07, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

Should we run across anyone walking around with this crotch billboard affixed to their groinal area, we shall take it as our sacred duty to punch said person straight in the 'nads.

You can depend on us.


November 04, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

If something is "smooth", "unmarked" or "free of hassle", it is "SEAMLESS". As in "without seam". Not bloody "seemless". If it were "without seem" then presumably it'd be non-existent, or at least invisible.

Use your heads.

Le Bummer

November 03, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

Shots fired as French riots escalate

Youths rampaged in nine poor suburbs north and east of Paris, home to North African and black African minorities frustrated at their failure to get jobs or recognition in French society, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

Does it strike anyone else as ironic that the precious "recognition" these imbeciles are so keen on will likely now occur only in a courtroom or a morgue? Then again, this is France we're speaking of, Land of Appeasement. We just find it amusing that such an enlightened society can even have something as bourgeois as civil unrest. Quel horreur!

Believe in Something

November 02, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 1

In case you were not previously notified, one of our favorite authors is Kage Baker. Her Company series is some of the best sci-fi in production today. We recently finished the novella The Empress of Mars, and were slightly revolted to read the following in the postscript:

I distrust soldiers. I distrust nations, patriots and anyone willing to sacrifice human lives for a political theory.

Urk. We so hate learning anything personal about the performers paid to entertain us. It is invariably a huge disappointment. But the problem with arguing something like this, at least with the opinion-holdee, is the definitions are slippery.

Still, she vexed us into a headache.

Cerebral analgesic is had at the hands of one Spider Robinson, during our recent re-reading of Time Travelers Strictly Cash, specifically the loving ode to Robert Anson Heinlein, Rah, Rah, R.A.H.:

Patriotism does not mean that you think your country is perfect, or blameless, or even particularly likeable on balance; nor does it mean that you serve it blindly, go where it tells you and kill whom it tells you to kill. It means you are committed to keeping it alive and making it better, that you will do whatever seems necessary (up to and including dying) to protect it, whenever you, personally, perceive a mortal threat to it, military or otherwise.

Right on, mad hippie brother.

halloween hell

October 31, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

So, you dast come to the Factoids abode, sans costume, and about a decade past the median begging-for-candy age, and expect to get away without a lecture? 'Ha,' says we. Should you be crass enough to attempt to extort sweets, have the common decency to at least don a modicum of greasepaint or a token latex mask. Or, act your age instead and spend the evening yapping at your little friends on the phone.

And to the whorish teenager who flounced to our door with a pack of cigarettes shoved into her barely-pubescent cleavage, your mother doesn't slap you nearly enough.

Just what *are* you teaching them?

October 27, 2005    link     category: Stare     comments: 0

Our son's third grade put on a talent show at the school this evening...ostensibly to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina (something we're sure the victims of Hurricane Wilma will no doubt appreciate), yet more likely to benefit the school PTA. At the end of the show was a slide show put together by one of the staffers, set to a very nice a capella rendition of "Amazing Grace", and prominently featured on the second slide was a waterlogged copy of Patrick Buchanan's Where the Right Went Wrong.

Nothing like a little partisan politics with your elementary school fund raising, eh?

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